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May 13, 2004 - CD 33: after some ANPers wer talking about the shortness of the list, I realized it was CD 33 and took an HPT - it was positive! Whoah. Talk about a surprise. I really didn't expect this! Weight: 139.5 lbs.

May 18, 2004 - 5 w 1 d: So, I'm tired. Saturday after work, I took a nap. The rest of the weekend I felt like taking a nap. Today I was yawning my way through office hours. SIGH. I didn't expect that so soon! Last night, my back ached, and Michael rubbed it. It was that sort of crampy weird feeling of early pregnancy that went unnoticed my first pregnancy and bothered me the second time. Yuck. In other news, while driving to work yesterday and today, I had a little bit of steely-mouthed nausea. Not much. Just a tiny tiny touch. Maybe it was all in my head.

May 19, 2004 - 5 w 2 d: I told some online friends (you know who you are) about this pregnancy. It is nice to have their emotional support. I have also told a few people in "real life," and it is nice to have their support too. I am very tired right now and not sure why I'm not in bed. I have been feeling backaches in the evenings.

May 20,2004 - 5 w 3 d: I scored a pair of Lilly Pulitzer pink tropical print maternity pants today at a consignment shop for $20. Hee hee. I felt queasy at Gymboree this morning with Naomi.

May 21, 2004 - 5 w 4 d: I'm surfing the ebay maternity clothing listings :). I worked out today. It was tiring. I had problems lying in my stomach (boobs hurt) and after a while, the abs work started getting to me. The basketball running around also made my heart pound unpleasantly so I stopped and sat down.

May 24, 2004 - 6 w 0 d: I've been feeling carsick lately while driving. Now, today, sitting here in front of the computer - I feel carsick. That's not good. I don't know about working out today after all. Sigh. I've been having this weird intermittent dizziness thing, and a lot of paranoia. Every time I feel anything wierd - I'm sure it's a problem. Sigh.

May 28,2004 - 6 w 4 d: I am having horrible allergies, some dizziness (that was scaring me, but then I reread my last pg journal and I see I had it then too so whatever), and very subtle nausea, no real morning sickness yet. I'm very tired and moody. I have to pee a lot. Peter was in a car wreck Wednesday but he's going to be ok. That was kind of scary coming on the heels of Dr. Greene's fatal accident. I knit myself a handbag, the knitting was great but the finishing - well I might pull it apart and redo it :). I hope I can get good enough to knit a baby sweater!

June 1, 2004 - 7 w 2 d: I am not sure why my pg calendar gained a day but whatever. I spent most of the weekend vegging around. EXTREME EXHAUSTION has set in. Mom figured it out and seemed excited. I told Kitty and Joe and Emily. It was getting really hard to hide. I'm just a big giant lethargic blah.

June 4, 2004 - 7 w 5 d: The embryo is now 10 mm long. The cerebellum and spleen started forming 3 days ago :). For such a tiny thing it is having a big effect. I keep burping. I know I did this a lot last time, too. Kind of annoying. During Jacob's graduation (!!) yesterday, I had a few waves of nausea accompanied by hypersalivation. I thought I might drown. But it passed quickly. I slept all afternoon yesterday. Thank dog for Kylie.

June 7, 2004 - 8 w 1 d: We went to the zoo today. I am dog tired. My left wrist hurts like nobody's business. I have to pee a lot. Olivia (neighbor) has coxsackie virus and Naomi has a fever today and now I'm worried that I might be exposed to coxsackie virus and it is totally stressing me out. Bleah. 32 weeks to go! Pregnancy calendar says hormones may cause a bit of moodiness. It ain't kidding. I'm so emotionally labile I CAN HARDLY MAKE IT THROUGH BREAKFAST WITHOUT A BREAKDOWN! AAAAAAARGHHHHHHHH.

June 11, 2004 - 8 w 5 d?: fetus measured 16 mm - 8 w 1 d. Here's a pic.Official due date Jan 18 -- but I think he's mistaken and am going to ask about it at next visit. I think he meant Jan 16 based on the algorithm he told me he used to calculate it. Of little importance in any case. I had "standard OB panel" bloodwork done - CBC, ABO, Rh, plus some other stuff I didn't pay attention to, plus cystic fibrosis screening, toxo titers and a rabies titer. And a urine culture. I felt fine at the time of my appt but a few hours later I started feeling really shitty. By the time I was driving home from work I was, I thought, dying. I have a fever. I am taking fluids and tylenol and hating life right now. I hate pulling over to throw up when driving.

June 21, 2004 - 10 w 1 d: Not too much to report. Most of my clothes still fit - which I believe is because most of my clothes are a bit stretchy, or low-rise :). I have still been VERY VERY fatigued, but not too much nausea or anything. Every time I start to think "weird, no nausea, I hope everything is ok..." I get nauseated, though. I should stop thinking that! Also I've noticed a big increase in needing to pee. I was up at 11 pm and 4 am and 6 am today!! I am 21% done with this pregnancy. 79% left to go. That's weird. Especially since it's probably the last one - I think. I go for my first trimester screening on 6/29. That's kind of scary and exciting. I hope that goes well. The baby has intestines now - although they are still outside of its body - and is about 30 mm long. What else to report - well, I've been moody. I think Michael has been moody too, although he's not admitting it. Apparently some studies out of Queen's University in Canada have shown that incipient fathers have higher than average estrogen levels, and lower cortisol levels, so maybe he's just hormonal. Hee hee.

June 24 - 10 w 4 d: I forgot to mention, I think, that I have been having a lot of reflux, which I find surprising so early on. The past 2.5 days I have felt VERY nauseated for long stretches of time. This must be because of what I said in my last entry. Only EATING helps. Great. I have been having a lot of abdominal discomfort and GI distress. Bleah.

June 25 - 10 w 5 d: I set up an appointment with a doula (Ellen) for next week to see if we want to hire her or what. It turns out she is the mom of a vet school classmate of mine, which is pretty weird actually. I forgot to mention that two days ago I felt a very strong sensation of milk letdown, and that since then, I have had that old "waxing of the teats" thing going on I talked about in a prior pregnancy. Colostrum oozes out. Ew. Last night at dinner, Lisa was nursing Eve near-constantly, and it was particularly bad. This is going to be annoying, I think. What else? Oh, I still fit into my size 6 non-stretchy Chinese-style silk dress. But mostly I am wearing stretchy stuff and loose stuff because the sensation of something around my tummy is just very irritating. Not because it doesn't fit, but it bugs me. It reminds me of when I was young and would only wear Flare (Flair?) Jeans because they hit my waist at the right spot and all the others made my waistline feel creepy. Hee hee.

June 29 - 11 w 2 d: Yesterday was a nightmare. I had a migraine. The first one I have had in years!!! I vomited a lot, the pain was so bad, it really made me sick. It was all the right side of my head. The kids missed swimming class because of it (although also Jacob fell asleep for what he called a "power nap" that was supposed to last ten minutes, and he didn't wake up in time to go to swimming anyway. Boy he was upset later!). I tried taking some Tylenol w/codeine in the afternoon, but I puked it up. After I puked up my dinner, though, I took one on an empty stomach, kept it down, and fell asleep early. I was ok this morning. Of course, by around 1 pm I felt like it might be coming back, so I headed downtown early for my 3 pm 1st trimester screening visit. The visit went fine. The genetic counseling was, as expected, a total waste of half an hour. The u/s was fun though :). The doctor, Dr. Harish Sehdev , was really nice. He said that based on the nuchal measurement alone, he really doubts I will have any issues. He said the baby looked fabulous, moving around lots, nice heartbeat, everything seemed normal and great. We talked a lot about screening tests in general, in low-risk groups in particular, and it was a really good talk we had. I was sorry Michael missed it - he had to leave because they were running so late, we needed someone to get home to the kids. Anyway. The baby's crown-rump length today was 4.56 cm, giving a "CGA" (calculated gestational age? Computerized gestational age? I have no idea) of 11 w 3 d with a range of 10 w 3 d to 12 w 2 d. So I'd say that's nice and middle of the road. The u/s computer also says that per LMP my EDD is 1/16/05 (like I thought! I still have to ask Mellen about why he said 1/18), and the LMP gestational age is 11 w 2 d, and the "AUA" EDD is 1/15 and the "AUA" is 11 w 3 d. I have no idea what AUA stands for. Well, I have an idea actually. Maybe it is "adjusted ultrasonic age?" Could be. Anyway, the numbers are close so I'm happy. I have a picture of the baby here.The one thing I'm not thrilled with is the "small" area of subchorionic hemorrhage noted on the scan, kind of behind the baby's head. The doctor says it is small, anyway. It does not look small to me. You can see it on your screen to the right of the baby's head on the right of the bright white line of placenta. It looks almost half the size of the baby! But he said it is small and described it as an incidental finding of absolutely no consequence. So I know I should not worry, but of course I will latch onto it and obsess over it because, well, that is the kind of person I am when you get down to it. Hopefully though I won't have too much cause to think about it in the coming weeks. I guess that's it for now. No, wait! I also met with Ellen, and hired her to be our doula, today. That was interesting and exciting, but I am so tired, I'm not going to say much about it right now. So that's it for now for real.

July 6 - 12 w 0 d: I just measured my waist and got about 33" which is a big increase. I still am only 5 lbs over pre-pregnancy (so, 145) so that's not so bad I guess. I do NOT want to be 214.5 again (that's how much I weighed 9/9/00 before Jacob was born!). I'm feeling ok today. I'm peeing a LOT lately - I usually wake up at about 4 am for that reason, which sucks. I'm suffering some residual tiredness from the Very Busy Weekend we had this 4th of July holiday...but I guess that's to be expected. So, I have an appointment with Dr M on Friday. I will discuss subchorionic hemorrhage and migraines with him then.

July 9 - 12 w 3 d: Just back from the OB...I asked all my questions. I weighed in at 146 lbs. Bottom line, everything is fine, the heartbeat was there and sounded normal, and I'm not to worry about anything. Specifically in regard to the subchorionic hemorrhage - Dr M had not gotten the referral letter yet, so I showed him the u/s pix I had. He told me that in his experience, the vast majority of the time, these resolve and the pregnancy progresses with no further complications. He said he sees a LOT of these and it is really nothing to worry about. I asked him specifically about a number of research articles I'd collected which show correlations between SCH and pregnancy losses or preterm delivery, and he said he really doesn't think it is a factor most of the time. Generally he said either it goes away and everything is fine, or it continues to bleed or re-bleeds, it is seen again and again on u/s and gets bigger instead of smaller, the woman develops vaginal bleeding and other worrying signs, and then of that group of women, some will experience loss or preterm delivery. But, he said, you can't do anything about that anyway - there are no treatments that have shown any effect on preventing that outcome in those women. So no point really worrying about it, especially as mine is small (he thinks so, too,) and I've had no other signs. Essentially what he said is that the papers showing a correlation between SCH and preterm deliery or pg loss are either looking at women who have SCH *and* vaginal bleeding, or are failing to separate out vaginal bleeding as an independent risk factor at all, thus falsely increasing the risks for women who have SCH and no vaginal bleeding. Obviously we'll look again at the 18 wk u/s (a mere 6 weeks in the future). Similarly the "fibroid," we'll check again at 18 wks. He's not convinced it is a fibroid. He says from the pix I have, it could just be an odd view of part of the tissue near the cervix. If it is a fibroid, it will probably grow and cause me pain but not impede the pregnancy or delivery. So that's not a huge concern. He did show me it was not present last month on the u/s I had then, at all. So if it is a fibroid, it's just recently grown there. Regarding migraines, I got a new Rx for tylenol with codeine and he wished me luck in not having any more migraines during this pregnancy. He said it's unpredictable, and hopefully it was a fluke but maybe not, we'll see.

July 19, 13 w 6 d - this pregnancy is 31% over. Wow. I was planning to write an update today saying that I'm happy to report the nausea is all gone. Then I had a bout of nausea this morning at B&N/Starbucks which was only remedied by my eating a bagel with cream cheese and sitting very very still for about half an hour. SIGH. The having-to-pee all the time thing is really really bad these days. I think it's going to improve a LOT once the uterus kinda moves up out of the pelvis a little bit, but right now-- well, I'm getting really sick of getting up at 1:30 and 4:30 every morning, and I am also sick AND TIRED of having to use the restroom EVERYPLACE I go. Sigh again. I made an appointment to get my hair colored this Thursday. Robert is going to DIE when he sees my hair. It's a total mess. I sent my doula-paperwork to Ellen today. My hospital prereg form is sitting here waiting for Michael to help fill out part of it. I'm also going to ask him about making some kind of arrangement by which we can play the iPod through some portable stereo device -- I want to make some Labor and Delivery playlists :). Just planning ahead! I've talked to Jacob a bit about having a baby. He generally thinks it would be a very nice idea but he still doesn't know it's really happening to us any time soon. Naomi is still interested in nursing. Saturday morning I took a shower and she saw me walking by nakedly and she said "nurse, nurse!" and pointed to my boobs. I laughed and said "no, you are a big girl and you're all done nursing!" She laughed and kept saying "nurse" and pointing, so I got down on the floor and said "come here for hugs," and she came over and tried to lie down in "nursing position." I said "Oh, do you want to pretend-nurse?" and she said "yeah, yeah," and I said "OK" and she laid there with her mouth open, and kind of poked my nipple with her mouth, and giggled and giggled and giggled. That was pretty funny actually :) but it might not be so funny if she really wants to nurse after #3 arrives!

July 21, 14 w 1 d: I spent ten minutes this morning dry heaving in the bathroom while Jacob complained that Naomi was sitting in the spot where he used to be sitting, and Naomi was crying because Jacob was trying to push her out of that spot. That sucked.

July 30, 15 w 3 d: I had a bad headache when I woke up this morning. I was doing the dry-heaving thing again for a while too. I had an OB appointment at 9:45 but Dr. M was across the street delivering a baby then. He showed up shortly before 11 am, said hi and did the doppler thing really quickly (I recorded it on my T3!), and then ran out when his beeper went off, to go deliver another baby! Dr. U is on vacation this week. I weighed in at 152, and my BP was 116/68. Urine dispstick was normal. That's all she wrote.

July 31, 15 w 4 d: I sniffed the laundry room this morning. Something was moldy in there. I've had a bad allergic airway thing going on all day. Bleah.

August 6, 16 w 3 d: People are telling me they are surprised to hear I'm pregnant - I don't look it. Others are saying "Oh, I was just wondering if you'd gone off WW or something." Thanks, that's so nice to hear. Most say I look great. Of course I'm paranoid I'm "too small," but I had the same paranoia with N. Of course this time I also AM really truly feeling anxiety that something is truly wrong. Stress, stress. I look forward to the anatomy scan 8/27 to which we are planning to bring the kids -but I'm worried, if something really IS wrong, and they are there...SIGH.

August 7, 16 w 4 d: Bleah. Turns out I got sick. I was sick Saturday and Sunday with SEVERE fatigue and slight sore throat and stuffiness. Late Sunday, severe muscle aching started and it lasted through yesterday actually. I also had a low grade fever starting Monday. Yesterday evening I felt 99% better but this morning I woke with a minor sore throat. ARGH. Both kids have had diarrhea off and on too. What a crappy week.

August 7, 16 w 4 d: My throat is actually ok today but I'm all stuffy and fatigued. Anyway, I just forgot to say - I have felt small little pokes in the belly that may be the baby - for about a week. Small faint little rubber-band-snapping type of sensation :). I guess we'll see...

August 10, 17 w: I called my OB's office today because I want an Rx for antibiotics because I am still sick (coming up on two full weeks) and I think I may be getting a sinus infection, and we're going out of town Saturday. I first spoke to a nurse who wanted to know what I wanted. Let me transcribe the call:

RN: how can i help you?
Me: Hi, I'm a patient of Dr. M's and I think I have a sinus infection, I want to see if he can call in some antibiotics.
RN: are you pregnant?
Me: yes.
RN: Well, what's wrong?
Me: I think I have a sinus infection. I have been sick for two weeks. RN: but what's wrong.
Me: maxillary sinus pain and other things typical of sinus infection. RN: like what exactly?
Me: are you going to tell the doctor and have him call the Rx in directly, or have him call me back?
RN: I will have him call you back.
Me: Then I'd rather just detail this all to him than do it twice, ok?
RN: FINE. Dr U will call you, Dr M is out of town.

OK, whatever. So Dr U calls me (I love Dr U btw - he is the one who wandered in ten minutes after N was born...)

Me: hello?
Dr U: Hi, Hillary, how are you?
Me: Oh, hi Dr U.. I've been better
Dr U: what's wrong?
Me: well, it started as a cold a couple of weeks ago, but after two or three days, I started -
Dr U: you know, just give me the pharmacy number, ok? I'll call you in a z-pack and by the next time we see you, you'll feel all better and everything will be fine.
Me: oh, great - (reads off pharmacy number). Oh and by the way is it right that since no one called me to say otherwise, my quad screen was negative?
Dr U: I've got that right here. Yes, it's perfect. You know how paranoid we are around here. Of COURSE we would have called you. OK, take care, bye! Oh, and don't have the baby in the car this time! Me: ha ha. Bye.

August 13, 17 w 3 d: I'm very stressed over the whole Camilla episode (she came, she saw, she left. Now we have to find a new new au pair. Argh.). I am not ready to go to vacation yet. I have anxiety about my anxiety. gaaaaaaaah.

August 22, 18 w 5 d: Vacation was good - I had one VERY BAD HEADACHE though which spawned an urgent trip to a supermarket pharmacy to use the BP machine. My BP was slightly high, normal, and then low on three separate readings. I think the first reading was due to anxiety. The headache responded well to codeine. A trip report, well, I don't have time right now. I was wondering the entire vacation if I was feeling baby kicks or not. Last night in bed though, with my hand on my belly, I definitely felt a few. That was cool. The u/s is Friday and I'm scared and excited. Current plan is to bring the kids along. !!!!

September 8, 21 w 1 d: Lots has happened in the past couple of weeks. Emi died. My OB appt and u/s had to be rescheduled because the funeral obviously took precedence. We did go the following Tuesday, and the kids did come, and they loved it. Everything was fine, basically - I did write a full report of course. I will paste it in here now:

OK. So, yesterday, I got downtown in plenty of time for my 2:30 appt. N was asleep in her stroller as we entered the waiting room. We waited til about 3:15 before being called back - an inpatient emergency had taken precedence. The technician did a complete scan. We saw a big thick placenta well-implanted on the anterior wall of the uterus. We saw a cute baby moving about. The head measurements were on the smaller side, and the limb measurements were on the longer side, but everything was within the normal range. We got a great 4-chambered view of the heart. I saw a 3-vessel umbilical cord very clearly. We were given a terrific snapshot of the cute little feet :). The bladder, stomach, and kidneys were also well-visualized. The technician commented that while she had NO concerns or anything based on her scan, she had been unable to get a full view of the spine due to the supine position of the baby, so she was going to have to see if the doctor could get that part on his own (he would normally be doing a quick once-over anyway). She also could not see the genitalia - the baby was breech with crossed legs, she said. I was not thrilled that the baby was breech - not because I think it will stay that way because I know there is no correlation between position at 20 wks and position at term, but just on a superstitious sort of level, all of my kids have been head-down at all of their scans before! But whatever. She also didn't get a great look at the lips. She commented that the brain looked perfectly normal and the fluid and uterus did, too. No sign of fibroids! The perinatologist came in and he was not my favorite person. He made a comment along the lines of it was ok if I wasn't looking at the screen during part of the scan (I said something about having had my head turned while he was showing us something) because "I wouldn't know what it was anyway." I replied that actually I would, so he showed us again. But anyway. He too was unable to fully visualize the skin layer over the caudal spine, which made me a bit unhappy. However, he said that (a) it is not terribly unusual to have that problem when the baby is in this position, and (b) NTDs USUALLY show up in the brain as well (??), and (c) NTDs are USUALLY accompanied by changes in the amniotic fluid, and (d) my serum markers were all normal, so he really had no concern over this. He could not rule out cleft lip due to poor visualization of the face, either, but there is no reason to really worry about that either. Apparently, based on his written report which I read immediately after, he also did not get a good look at the whole diaphragm, but the abdominal contents were all intraabdominal and the thoracic contents all appeared normal and normally positioned, so I guess there is no concern about hernia there either. And that's all about Doctor Small. (ha ha ha - that's a Lois Lensky children's book joke).

So, that was the u/s. We got some cute pictures out of it. What else has been going on? Well, the kids' schedules got way out of whack because of the shiva - we were at Susie's til 8:30-9 or later for the rest of the week and the kids would fall asleep in the car on the way home. Naomi is still learning how to go to sleep in bed again. Sigh.
We found out on Monday that Jamie (Jason's wife) is pregnant! It is exciting to have a bump-buddy in the family. I sent them 3 Dr. Sears books. I hope they are well-received.
Did I mention I'm being audited?
Pregnancy wise at this point I am feeling ok. Just stressed and tired and kind of weird, is all.

Wednesday, September 22 - 23 w, 1 d: No news is good news? I'm feeling fine. I feel a lot of movement down low. Well, not a lot of movement. But of the movement I feel, it's all down low. I think this baby is upside down still and it is starting to bug me. I hope it flips over soon!! I don't really have anything new to report. I'm feeling very large, though.

Tuesday, October 5th - 25 w 0 d: Sorry for the delay in update. I have had so much going on. I have a few things to catch up on here so I'll put them in now. Let's see...back on 9/25/04, at 23 w 4 d, I wrote this in my other journal: "Well yesterday I had this annoying intermittent abdominal pain that honestly reminded me of my first labor's early I went to get checked at about 9 pm, after the kids were asleep. I was there for a while hanging out in L&D being monitored. Bottom line, I need to drink more water. I wasn't having any "preterm labor," but there was some "disorganized uterine activity" that calmed down after I drank two big glasses of juice and water. I saw a midwife, she was nice. My friend J drove down to sit with me and we realized it was the first time in FOUR YEARS we had been alone together without at least one child. "We should do this more often" we though. heh. Anyway. I'm fine. It was somewhat nervewracking at first, but everything is ok." So that was a bit of excitement. Then on 9/30/04 (24 w 2 d) I saw my OB. Everything again was fine, I'm up to 167 lbs which means I have already gained like 27 lbs which is a lot IMO, my BP was 118/74, baby's heartbeat was fine, UA was fine...and there is a weird subcutaneous mass near my left hip which I showed dr m and he doesn't know what it is either but we're watching it and waiting to see if it grows. greeeeeeaaaaat. So that's my catch-up. More recently in the past two to three days people have been saying stuff like "wow, you look pregnant now!" or "oh my gosh, when are you due?" or "I can't believe it, last week you didn't even look any different and now you are ready to pop!" so I guess something happened here. I wonder if maybe the baby turned head down? I can hope right? SIGH. I gotta get some pictures of this belly for posterity, really. What else to report? I am seriously fatigued and bumming that. I'm glad Natasja is here for some help but we are having some transitional stress. I'm starting to try some flylady stuff (see for info) and it is really helping the kitchen at least. I guess not much more to say. Is there? Uh.... I am feeling more movement from baby. oh, yesterday at the dentist Jacob was lying on me and he felt the baby move, and then he talked to the baby for a little bit and said "hello, I'm your big brother," yada yada. He also told the dentist that if this baby was a girl, that's ok, we'll just get another baby later to be a brother. Oh boy.

Wednesday, October 20 - 27 w, 2 d: Actually I just noticed, two different pregnancy calculators I use have one day discrepancies. So this is either 27 w 1 d or 27 w 2 d. Either way, I have just entered the 3rd trimester and as a reward, I have received the vicious heartburnFH. Woo hoo. Gotta go find that Mylanta from before. Additionally, I have been having terrible lower back pain and some pelvic joint pain, which at times prevents me from walking or even driving - I had to pull over twice and stop the car and wait until such time as I was able to lift my right foot without screaming in pain. But today is actually not bad, which is good, because my baby girl turns TWO YEARS OLD today!! :) So that is another exciting milestone. I found out today that another Or Ami mom is 12 wks along today, so that's exciting too. The subcu mass I wrote about before does not seem to have changed really, so that's good. Aside from the musculoskeletal issues and the heartburn, everything seems fine. I'm looking forward to meeting with Ellen the doula next week!

Wednesday, November 3 - 29 w 1 d: met with Ellen last night. Unfortunately it came on the heels of a VERY LONG TERRIBLE HORRIBLE NO GOOD VERY BAD DAY, because I was ill, Naomi was ill, and by the time all was said and done Jacob was ill too. I had schlepped the kids to the polls first thing in the AM, stood in line with my hacking coughing snot-nosed 2 yr old (did I mention my polling place is in an old-age home? Great public health policy!) and my polite but somewhat bored-after-the-first-ten-minutes four yr old, and did my civic duty - which it seems was all for naught, but whatever. I am too sick today to think about the meshuggeneh election results no matter how much they may piss me off. But back to Ellen. We talked a lot about my previous births and what can be different this time and what our plan of action will be. She talked to Michael alone for a while while I put N to bed, which I hope was fruitful. It is hard for me to get him to discuss the subject at all. By the end of the meeting I was dog-tired, Jacob had 101 F fever, and I had moved from febrile chills to a hot flash and was finding myself slowly disrobing by the front door as we saw Ellen out. Oy. One interesting thing we talked about was potentially seeing a chiropractor for pelvic alignment at about 32 weeks, because of my gut feeling about having a breech baby. Of course my gut feelings about chiropractors are pretty bad, too, but she says she knows of one who really is not a quacky sort of person, so, we'll see. I might do it.
I have a fever, stuffy head, sore throat...bleah. Both kids have been sick since Saturday. I have to try to take them to the dr today; I HAVE to be better by Saturday myself, because we have to go to FL for a wedding. Oy vey. THIS SUCKS.

Wednesday, 10 November - 30 w 1 d: Well, the FL trip was a blast. I am glad we went even if I was kind of stuffy and tired. My body continues to let me down. I was puking again this morning at drop-off time at Or Ami... bleah. I continue to feel as if I have pulled my groin muscles and had my lumbar spinal region trampled on by an angered bovine if I so much as stand up from a seated position, or if I sit for too long. It's kind of a lose-lose situation. I have also been feeling a lot of weird spurts of movement which are kind of funny. I think the baby is migrating all around in there and totally not settled down yet. Time will tell...

Tuesday, 23 November - 32 w: I saw Dr. M today for a 32 wk visit. Things are basically fine. He did a quick in-office u/s to get a look at a couple of things which weren't seen clearly on the 20 week scan (namely, the diaphragm and the skin over the lumbar spine). While there he confirmed the gender as FEMALE :) which means we have a HUGE naming issue now... . He also estimated fetal weight as approx 1605 grams, or 25th %ile, which makes him "not worried," but which "bears watching," and he is suggesting a 35-36 wk "growth scan" with the perinatologist across the street to follow up on this. I hate when my doctor points out one of these "not worrying" situations. I find I always worry about things that are "not worrying" anyone, you know? Sigh. But I will try not to lose sleep over it. As he put it "look, someone has to be 25th %ile, and these measurements aren't that accurate anyway so it might not even be that, but I'd be remiss not to recommend followup." So. That's the deal. Everything else is fine. oh, baby is vertex position, too :) - that's huge, because I'd been worried about breech.

Small update later in the day... at dinner tonight we told J about the new baby being a girl. To our shock and amazement, he replied "Oh, that's good. I will love a girl!" So that was really a nice surprise :)

Wednesday, 15 December - 35 weeks: Saw Dr M again today, an hour late because he had to deliver a baby :). Got some nice u/s pics of "fetus power" fist-in-the-air moves, and measured the baby at approx 5 lbs or 30th percentile, which is fine. So everything is fine. Monday, 20 December - 35 w 6 d: Can I just say that first of all, my back hurts, and second of all, we still do not have a name picked out, and I do not have a bag packed yet, and it is stressing me out a bit? That is all.

Wednesday, 23 December - 36 weeks: Saw the OB again. I gained a pound and am 187 lbs, officially. Oy. BP 116/70. Urine normal. Fetal weight estimate via abdominal palpation is now six pounds - which is of course the 36 week mean, so ha ha ha. Dr M asked me how big *I* thought the baby was, and of course I have no idea, so I couldn't be all cool like one of those women alleged to be more accurate than their healthcare providers in estimating the size of the baby :). He also asked me many questions about my emotional state, and seemed to really care. This, I felt, was a very nice followup considering the very bad mood I'd been in last week, when I basically told him I was really worried about what would happen after the baby was born given that Michael and I had been fighting already and I thought Michael was a bit depressed. The good news of course is that I'm over it and I told him so and so that was fine.

I woke up today with REALLY BAD pubic symphysis pain. Last night I had shooting pains in my left SI joint area, too. I'm falling apart I tell you. Falling apart.

Tuesday, 28 December - 37 weeks? Argh! where did the time go??. BP again 116/70; weight 184.75 lbs - woo hoo :). Dr M estimates fetal weight at 6 lbs 6 oz and was once again very solicitious and expressed concern about my and Michael's emotional well being and stuff. I overheard him diagnose twins in the next exam room, which was cool. I have vicious heartburn, really bad reflux, and a lot of exhaustion.

Monday, 3 January - 38 wks already? Oh, 37 w 6 d. I feel much better now. Anyway. BP 117/68; weight 187 but the nurse said this was their "heavy" scale and was probably incorrect. Ok. Everything fine. Fingertip dilated. I informed Dr. M that that and $2.50 would buy you a nice grande cappucino these days. He was amused.

Tuesday 4 January - 38 wks. Copied from my journal: This morning (or last night, depending on your point of view really) at 3:30 AM I woke up with a horrible pain. It was in the region of the lower right anteriolateral uterine segment, and it felt like the worst of the contractions I had during Naomi's L&D (except for being so focal and not affecting the entire uterus). I mean, it was a gripping horrible pain. I was so disoriented by it, especially since it woke me, that I didn't even have the presence of mind to try to wake Michael. I just lay there moaning and crying until it subsided, which it did after about five minutes. Then I fell back to sleep. When I again woke up at about 5:30 I had a panic attack of sorts, wondering what the hell that pain had been, and if the baby was ok. I poked her and poked her and poked her until I finally got a halfhearted poke back. Then I didn't think about it for a while, until I realized after leaving N at school that I hadn't had any of the usual major morning activity. Making a long story short, I spent most of the day poking myself in the abdomen attempting to evoke fetal response, and getting minimal responses at best. When lunchtime came and went without the next usual predictable bout of regular fetal activity, I decided to call my OB Dr M just to check in. He suggested I go in to get checked although things were probably ok. I knew of course that he'd say that, but I'd kind of hoped he would just say "oh, don't worry at all, that's just standard behavior after an unexplained abdominal pain." So I went downtown today after I brought J home from school. I got to the hospital shortly before 4 pm and got hooked up to external fetal monitoring. Nice rhythm strip :). Everything seemed fine. No contractions observed, either. BP fine. Everything looking really quite normal. The CNM who saw me suggested that I'd had a really big contraction which woke me up, and perhaps some smaller ones I hadn't felt, and commented that contractions do cause decreased fetal movement. She called my OB who cleared me for return home :). Oh, the one interesting finding is this - yesterday at my regular checkup, I was allegedly one fingertip dilated at the external os, and not at all dilated internally. Today, I was allegedly 3 cm at the external os and a good 1 cm internally. So. Either that was one mother of a contraction that woke me up, or I've been having ones I don't feel, or someone isn't very good at estimating dilation via manual palpation :)
So anyway. I was home by about 6 pm. I ate some pizza. I now feel like shit. I mean, my belly kind of diffusely is bothering me, as is my back. I really really want to get into a nice bath. I feel in all honesty a little like I did early in the day when I went into labor with Jacob. I hope it's not labor. I mean, I have workmen going nuts in the house here. They won't be done with the floor til Friday or Saturday.

Wednesday, 12 January 2005 - 39 wks 1 day. Not much to report. I have been feeling very tired and slow the past few days, wanting nothing more than to lie down in bed and rest or take a bubble bath much of the time -- but being unable to do so, because of the Floor Guy continuing to install our new beautiful hardwood floors upstairs. SIGH. So I sit around downstairs and listen to the noise and feel like a beached whale. In the evenings, I get abdominal achiness, nothing really rhythmic, nothing that feels like a contraction per se, just nonspecific pain that makes me want to lie down with pillows under everything. I'm trying to just enjoy the end of this pregnancy and think about the new baby coming soon and how to welcome her into our family. It's hard to focus on that what with Naomi just starting school and her having her new music class and Little Gym clss, and Jacob's parent-teacher conference this week, and his school visits we're taking him to, and trying to think about choosing a new school for him and all that stuff. So much to think about OTHER than the baby, it's hard.... and the weather is all weird. Yesterday we had some sleet for a while. Today it seems drizzly and is very foggy. It's unseasonably warm. I wonder will it stay that way throughout the winter or are we in for a cold snap soon? Will she be born in an ice storm? Who knows? *big sigh* we'll find out soon enough!!

Thursday, 13 January 2005 - 39 wks 2 days. OB visit - 192 lbs (ack), bp 120/70, est fetal weight via palpation - 7 lbs, 1.5 cm dilated. Made appt for NST/AFI in one week.

Monday, 17 January 2005 - 39 wks, 6 days. Tomorrow is the official EDD. I am not feeling well. My belly is uncomfortable. I don't really feel hungry, I feel all blocked up. I have to pee all the time. And I'm very tired.

Thursday, 20 January 2005 - 40 wks 2 days. Just back from the hospital. Nonstress test was normal, reactive heartrate, no decelerations. Amniotic fluid index was "normal," from looking at the u/s monitor I think it was >8 <9 cm, but don't know for sure the actual number. The perinatal specialist guy who did the testing mentioned that he was covering OB this weekend, so if I have the baby, he'll be the one on call, and he kindly said he looked forward to seeing me even if it ends up meaning he misses the football game. Of course I explained that I am no planning on missing the game, either :). He wrote a letter for me to take over to my doc, and the letter called me a 34 year old gravida 4 para 2 at 40 wks 4 days gestation. So when I got to my doc's office, I pointed out the discrepancy. I said to Dr. M, "I just don't want anyone to start harassing me 2 days early, you know?" and he said "at no point, Hillary, is anyone going to harass you. Trust me." He also reiterated the fact that "induction is available, if you want it," and I again told him that I did not in fact want it, calling it a "slippery slope." He said "well, not THAT slippery, because I wouldn't do it if I didn't think it were safe, but it is an intervention, yes, and I see your point." So, the waiting game commences. I have an appointment for another NST/AFI on Monday at 8:30 am if no baby by then. Oh, and I'm 2 cm dilated, so that's another .5 cm out of the way. :)

Saturday, 22 January 2005 - 40 wks 4 days. It has just started to snow at 10 am. Here is the weather forecast:

Montgomery County
Winter Storm Warning:
Issued at: 4:57 AM EST 1/22/05, expires at: 12:00 PM EST 1/22/05
Winter storm warning remains in effect through Sunday morning for 10 to 15 inches of snow, A dangerous winter storm will affect the entire area today into sunday morning. Snow is expected to arrive in eastern pennsylvania, far northeast maryland, northern delaware and southwest new jersey late this morning, and it will arrive in the bulk of the rest of new jersey by this afternoon. Total snow accumulations for the entire event are forecast to average 10 to 15 inches across the area. Travel conditions will become extremely hazardous and all unnecessary travel is not recommended once the heavy snow begins. Follow the direction of emergency management and police in your area. Driving conditions should start improving later Sunday. The upcoming winter storm will have two phases. The first phase will feature very heavy snow Saturday afternoon into Saturday evening where most of the accumulating snow is expected to occur. The snow is expected to fall so heavily that near white-out conditions are likely with rates possibly reaching one to two inches per hour. The second phase occurring overnight into Sunday morning will feature lighter snow, but considerably stronger winds. This will cause blowing and drifting of what is expected to be a very light and fluffy snow. This may cause blizzard conditions at times. Another factor will be the very low wind chills. As winds increase tonight into Sunday, wind chill factors will drop below zero across northeast pennsylvania and northwest new jersey and the single numbers elsewhere. People who find it necessary to venture outside should wear multiple layers of clothing, gloves and a hat. Limit that outdoor time to a minimum. Pets who are kept outdoors will require, at a minimum, a strong and well insulated shelter to protect them from the cold, wind and snow and access to plenty of unfrozen water. The most humane thing to do is to bring your pets indoors. An area of low pressure was located over the mississippi river valley early this morning. It is forecast to move to the ohio valley later this morning and cross the central appalachians this afternoon. A secondary low pressure system is then forecast to develop over the delmarva coastal waters this evening and intensify rapidly. The low should be well east of our region by Sunday afternoon. Stay tuned to noaa weather radio, the voice of your national weather service, or local media outlets for update on this winter storm.

Here's hoping nothing happens until this blows over, I guess. Michael was getting the snowblower together in the garage, and the fumes came into the house and made me puke all over the kitchen. Bleah.

Sunday, Jan 23 2005- 40 wks 5 days!
OK, I seem to have waited out the blizzard (although the roads are still somewhat treacherous, at least there aren't too many idiots on them, and the visibility is fine now that the snow has tapered to light blowing powder instead of full-on heavy 2 inches an hour stuff). I am now 40 wks 5 days with still no signs of labor. SIGH. My first was born at 40 wks 4 days (but just past midnight, so labor set in at 40 wks 3 days really). My second was born at 40 wks 2 days. I had kind of expected this one to hit the due date! This hanging around waiting is really getting on my nerves. Especially today since the kids are all bouncing around and wanting to play in the snow and I am NOT all bouncing around and wanting to play in the snow. They are watching Zoboomafoo right now but I think there is only 10 minutes left of it. SIGH. SIGH. SIGH. I guess the next thing this baby might be waiting for is the Eagles to win the game today. Maybe after that, she will consent to come out? It would be kind of nice to be able to watch the game without being in labor. Of course, I'd kind of planned on sitting and nursing through the game. SIGH. anyway. Maybe I will make it to my 2nd NST/AFI after all? It's Monday at 9 am. Time will tell.

Monday, January 24th, 40 wks 6 days: yeah, I made it to the test. Biophysical profile 8/10, AFI 11.something, so all good. Cervix still 2 cm (ok, 2+, whatever that means). Chatted with both Dr S and Dr M regarding plans if still pregnant at 42 wks. Both suggest induction, Dr M rather more strongly than Dr S. Induction would be via amniotomy and pitocin. Neither doctor thinks things will get that far, though - although neither could say why exactly. Sigh. Thursday, February 10, 2005: Lilah is 2 weeks old today. She was born 1/27/05 shortly before 5 am - 10 days late! Here is her birth story:

Wednesday, January 26, 2005

Naomi woke up at 4:50 am. I was so tired. I turned on "cleaning" Maisy and let her watch that, and then she watched Dora, and then she watched Teletubbies! Meanwhile I dozed. Partway through Teletubbies I got up to use the restroom and there was a little mucus and a little pinkish blood at the end. No contractions yet.

I had leftover Pizzeria Uno pizza for breakfast.

11 am - had a little more pinkish mucus at about 8:30. Nothing of interest since then. Went to music class uneventfully. Saw Naomi's friend Sally and her nanny at the music class - found out that Phyllis (her mom) is not coping well at all with the baby's death and is blaming herself.

2 pm - went to the funeral for S.S., age 3 mos, the baby brother of Sally. Cried a lot and felt very weary and depressed when I got home.

7:15 pm - started to feel contractions and they were coming every five minutes from the first one. Easy ones, they were uncomfortable but I could certainly talk and walk during them. I timed them for a while and yep, pretty much q 5 min on average, with a range of every 3-10 minutes. I called Ellen the Doula to give her a heads up, and ended up leaving her voicemail on her cell and at home. I was a bit worried that I couldn't reach her! Not so much that I needed her, but that it was odd she wasn't around, and I hoped everything was ok with her. The contraction pattern continued for a while. I took Naomi to put her to bed at about 8:30, and we did her bedtime stories, and by about 9 I was pretty uncomfortable lying on her bed with her. The contractions, which I was timing on my Palm, were coming about every 3-4 minutes, and were bothering me enough by 9:30 that I told Naomi I had to go and I got Michael to relieve me for the ending of the bedtime routine. He had her asleep within about ten minutes and then he called his mom to tell her to come over. I was still saying I wasn't sure it was really time yet, but he was saying "you've never been like this before and NOT had a baby soon, so I think we should leave for the hospital ASAP."

10 pm - my MIL arrived and we left, having been unable to reach Ellen! I was kind of worried that we were leaving too early. I remember later making a joke about this being "NHS - nervous husband syndrome," resulting in early hospital arrival. While we were in the car I called and left a message for my OB that I was in labor and on my way in. I called my mom and told her the same thing. Then my call waiting went off and I assumed it was my OB calling back but actually it was Ellen - phew! She'd missed my first call, and had been teaching a Birthing From Within Class during my subsequent call and, well, she was sorry for not calling me sooner. We arranged to meet at the hospital. Then my OB called - well, actually, Dr D on call for my OB. Dr D is the OB who does backup for the hospital's midwifery practice, he delivered Jacob. He said he'd tell L&D I was on my way in.

10:30 - we arrived at the hospital. Ellen's notes actually say she met us at the elevators at 10:50 pm, so it must have been about 11 pm when we actually ended up in triage I was still walking and talking easily through the contractions although I did find them easier to bear if I did some focused quiet breathing during them. Ellen commented that she thought I was handling them really easily. The 3rd year resident - Dr. Sara E, checked me and I was at 4 cm, 90% effaced, and -1 station. This was a +2 cm change since my last exam 2 days previously. They decided to monitor me for an hour and then recheck me before admitting me. Ellen says that during this time I was "talkative and slightly unsettled" but "handling contractions very well." Apparently I kept saying that they were not very strong yet.

Thursday, January 27, 2005

12:30 am - the resident did another exam and pronounced me still 4 cm. At this point the contractions are painful, but no longer as frequent, because I have been lying on the triage gurney this whole time. It was a very obvious pattern throughout this whole labor, unlike my other labors - this time, walking or being vertical caused a massive and obvious increase in the frequency and intensity of contractions. During previous labors, lying down didn't make any difference, but in this one, it caused a big slowdown. Anyway, the resident said she thought I should probably go home, because I wasn't in labor, because I had no cervical change. I remember thinking she was wrong, and worrying that everyone was going to think I was a big loser. I remember wanting to just get a hospital room, put our stuff down, and hang out in it. She explained she really just wanted to help me avoid unwanted interventions. I remember making that same joke about the reason we came in so early was due to NHS but in any case by this point (2 hours after our original arrival) I would have come in anyway. I wasn't about to go home! I said to Ellen that I couldn't understand why she (Dr. E) said that - I didn't see how admitting me would cause unwanted interventions, it would just give me a room to use as a nesting station and home base, it wouldn't magically allow them to do stuff to me. But as it happened, when the resident called Dr. D, he said something about since it was my 3rd baby I should stay, and they agreed to admit me and start the "low risk protocol," leaving me free to move about unencumbered.

1 am - we moved to the LDR (room 17). As soon as I was up and walking, the contractions intensified and came more quickly, as I knew they would. We took a walk around the hospital for 40 minutes, ten minutes longer than we'd promised to be gone for. I knew that we'd "get in trouble" for that, and we sort of did. Mostly it was the nurses who were upset, causing the resident to backpedal and decide that we really had to stay in the room. Of course, I was perfectly happy staying in the room anyway so it didn't matter to me. I think Ellen was disappointed, though! Anyway, after our walk we came back to the room for a few minutes of fetal monitoring. Everything was fine. Ellen says I hardly showed a sign of a contraction starting when I had one. She wrote "her breathing was steady and smooth, deep and slow...she swayed and moaned with Michael, holding hands and just giving in to the whole process of birth. They were both wonderful. Michael was so very calm and trusting . The contractions were growing in intensity and lasting 60 seconds every 3.5-4 minutes." The nurse was just LOVELY. She was recently from Atlanta (?), I think, where she worked in a hospital which catered to women desiring a home style natural childbirth experience, or something like that, and she seemed THRILLED that I was planning a natural, intervention-free labor and delivery. She was very supportive.

Things get confusing for me, time-wise, at this point. I know I went to the bathroom at some point, and the contractions on the toilet were very painful and awful and I didn't like that at all. That is typical of my experience in all three labors. We put on my L&D III CD and I was really enjoying listening to the music, walking around the room, singing a little bit, stuff like that. I labored happily in the rocking chair for a while until I got too uncomfortable to stay seated. As the contractions got more intense, I would sing in between them, and breathe huskily during them. I chose to lie on the bed on my side for a while. It felt good when someone massaged my thigh during a contraction to distract me, and when Ellen applied pressure in the lumbar area, and when I used her hot rice-filled socks to sort of hug and squeeze as another distraction. I also got some warm blankets to cover up with which were amazing as I was feeling ice cold and shivering. Ellen's notes say that it was about 3 am when I started feeling sacral pressure (which I don't remember feeling at all) and "hot and cold variations." I do remember feeling freezing cold, but I don't remember feeling that "hot and cold at the same time" thing until much closer to delivery. Anyway, they used the heat packs, warm blankets, and apparently some fans as well, to help me feel more comfortable with regard to temperature. Ellen at some point told me I should use the bathroom again. I was again very unhappy in there, but I did it and she convinced me to sit on the birthing ball afterwards. I'm sure it was quite clear to her that my labor progressed much better when I was more upright, and I'm glad she managed to convince me to use the ball. I had a strong innate resistance to the idea but it worked out very well. I sat on the ball, blanket draped across my back, and rested my upper body on the corner of the bed, holding on to Michael's hands. Michael was lying across the bed letting me hold on to him. He kept falling asleep, which was upsetting me, and I would poke him and smack him a little and tell him to WAKE UP because I needed him. He would say he wasn't sleeping. Hee hee. I know that during my time on the ball, I went from a husky breathing during contractions to really more of a low vocalization during them. Ellen was constantly encouraging me and telling me how great I was doing and how I was doing the perfect breathing and everything seemed wonderful. The one thing that was really bugging me was that I felt a sensation of trembling. I don't remember if I told anyone about it or just pondered on it myself for a while (I know later on I mentioned it). I don't know if it was noticeable, but to me it felt like I was shaking like the proverbial leaf.

All through this, I was wearing my clothes. At some point about now I was informed that I should go use the bathroom again. Well, while attempting that, I got SO uncomfortable and unhappy that I jumped up and flat out refused to sit on the toilet again. I just couldn't tolerate the feeling of nothing underneath me like that! Ellen suggested I try to pee standing in the shower, which I did, and I peed all over my feet, which upset me more, so Michael cleaned me off. Per Ellen's notes, this was at about 4:30 AM. At that point I decided I did not want to put my pants back on. Ellen told me the resident had wanted to check me but she'd told her to go away and that I'd tell her when I was ready. She also told me she suggested I not allow an exam until I felt pushy. I kind of thought it might be nice to know where I was, but I let the idea fall to the back of my head for a bit and decided to head back over to the bed. I was in so much pain from the intensity of the contractions that came rapid and hard when I was standing, I made a beeline for the bed mattress and assumed my favorite labor position of right lateral recumbency. Frankly I think that my suddenly empty bladder had made room for the baby to start moving down very quickly! I had some very strong contractions there, and within minutes decided I wanted to get checked. Ellen's notes show that actually Michael said at this point someone should call the doctor, and the nurse said she would call when I reached 8 cm. So anyway, I was vocalizing loudly during these very intense, long-lasting contractions, and they were coming faster and faster. There were a few times I actually made a conscious decision to work at staying in control and vocalizing instead of losing control and shouting, which may sound bizarre but it really helped a lot. I remember specifically thinking that I was making the choice to go without drugs by virtue of the fact that I wasn't going to let myself lose it this time. I did feel like I had to pant to get through a few of these really strong ones I was having, but I found that if I tried really hard I could vocalize in a solid moaning sort of way and that felt more useful. Opening my mouth also seemed to help me retain a sense of control for some reason. Ellen encouraged that moaning . Finally at about 4:45 am the resident examined me and said "you're 8 cm and about 90% effaced, 0 station. Great job! Don't push yet though. I'll let Dr. Debbs know you're getting there." Or something like that, anyway. She had barely gotten her hand out of me when a mother of a contraction ripped through me and I barely managed to wheeze out "I-feel-really-pushy" while panting and shouting "ah-ah-ah" at the same time. The nurse I think it was turned to look and see what was going on and realized the baby was about to be born. She was crowning! This was literally a few moments after that exam. Ellen whispered in my ear that I should do what I felt I had to do. I felt I had to push so I pushed HARD with that contraction and I felt the baby move down, a gush of fluid, and I thought maybe the head of the baby coming out. I remember asking "is she here? Is she born?" and then feeling another really strong contraction, and burning all around the perineum and up by the urethra, and then the hand of a goddess holding back the bulging tissue (turned to be I think the 2nd year resident protecting my perineum, thankyouverymuchforthat!), and then another sliding sensation accompanied by a ripping sensation and then blessed relief, and laughter, and cries of "she's beautiful, she's here and she's beautiful" as well as cries of "waah, waah" from Lilah Deborah, who slithered her way into the world (and gave me a small 1st to 2nd degree perineal tear, darn it) at exactly 4:56 am despite the fact that no one ever did, as far as I know, get around to telling the obstetrician I was ready to go J. It was funny that while Lilah was working on getting out of my body, the two somewhat hapless residents, having realized they'd missed their window of opportunity to call their attending OB, or if not that, that in any case he was not going to make it to the hospital in time for this baby,were wasting time looking for gloves, trying to break down the bed, and trying completely ineffectually to switch me from lateral recumbency to a lithotomy position. Ellen says she told them the baby was HERE, and I was staying on my side, and that they could just LEAN FORWARD to deliver the baby instead of futzing around trying to break down the bed. Bottom line, I stayed on my side as Lilah was born. Ellen, and I think Michael too, just kept supporting my legs as I laid on my side. I vividly recall that the blanket kept slipping back up my leg uncovering my foot, and I kept yelling out "my foot, cover my foot" because I just couldn't bear having a naked foot for some reason. I'm not sure what was up with that! So basically I pushed twice and she was totally out, and the residents were surprised whereas Ellen, Michael, the nurse and I were not surprised. The nurse commented to me that at her other hospital, when the baby was on the way out you didn't turn around and look for gloves, you just caught the baby in a blanket! Dr. Debbs came in a little while later to say hi. Right after the birth, someone tried to put her in my arms, which was a desire I'd had with my other kids but which had not been fulfilled. Oddly, I did NOT like it, and I pushed her away and muttered "no, no" or something. I was still very very shaky and I felt like if she were put into my arms she would be in danger of accidentally flying across the room or something. So they took her away and gave her some O2 because she was looking kind of purple, anyway, or something like that as I recall. I kept feeling the residents unpleasantly poking around to assess the perineal tear and wait for the placenta to deliver. I was very nervous about being touched there, not because of pain, but because of a very strong concern I had that someone was going to pull on the umbilical cord and make me feel that really unpleasant feeling I felt when someone did that after Naomi was born. Finally they gave me a local and stitched up my tear, and I was pretty unhappy about that, I remember trying unsuccessfully to suggest that they wait and do that later after I'd had a chance to chill out and meet Lilah and nurse her a bit. For whatever reason they felt they had to forge ahead with immediate repair. Ellen did say it had to be sewn up, I guess it was bleeding or something, I don't know. The placenta did eventually deliver uneventfully. I did have a shot of pitocin for bleeding again. When Lilah was given back to me (after she'd had the O2, and been quickly weighed and measured), she was naked and wrapped in a blanket, I put her to breast and I think she nursed for about an hour all told. Then she passed some meconium into the blanket J. I continued to be very shaky and disoriented pretty much until my breakfast finally arrived some time near 9 am, though. It had been a very long night!

Other stuff of interest:

A roommate was moved into my room early Saturday morning (like, just past midnight), and she asked me how old I was. Then she told me she was shocked - she thought from looking at me that I was a teen mother! Ha ha ha.

Lilah's bilirubin level at approx 50 hrs old was 11.5; about 26 hrs later it was 12.7 - so we're not terribly worried even though she does look sort of yeller J

First ped visit update: 1/31/05 - weight back to 7 lbs 14 oz so up 3 oz since discharge from hospital J. Got her hep B shot and doing great!