Veterinary Hospital Stories

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there's no puppy in it

I was working for an emergency clinic in San Francisco. At about 1 am, a get a frantic phone call from an agitated woman.

*ring ring*
ME: hello, [hospital name deleted] may I help you?
WOMAN: oh, oh, oh my GAWWWWWD!! Oh, oh, oh, my-
ME: Ma'am, please, calm down. What is the problem?
WOMAN: it's my dog! It's my dog! oh GAWWWW--
ME: Ma'am, please. You must calm down, and explain the problem, or I can't help you. What's going on? Is the dog breathing?
WOMAN: yes, yes, she's breathing.
ME: Ok, is she bleeding from anywhere?
WOMAN: no, no, it's just that she laid an egg, and there's no puppy in it!

Well, she brought the dog and the egg in, and it turned out that the bitch had just delivered a litter of pups, and the woman got upset when she saw a placenta. hehehehehe.

she pees more

I was working at the same place, when a man called at 3 am to find out why female dogs urinate twice as much urine per pound of body weight than male dogs do. After about 5 minutes of reasonable attempts to explain to the man that female dogs do NOT urinate twice as much per pound of body weight compared to male dogs, I hung up on the man. He then called back and harassed my colleagues for a while while I napped in the back room.

it's expensive

This one time, some folks brought in a "pit bull" type dog with some bite wounds around the head and neck area. The dog had a fever and there was severe inflammation of the wounds, with pus oozing out. The dog had not been eating, and was severely depressed. The people wanted us to treat the dog for free, but the veterinarian on duty informed them that unfortunately, that was not an option, and gave them a referral to a practice which served low-income families. "No, hang on" said the owner. The owner went outside, stood on the corner for a few minutes, then handed someone a paper bag. He came back in and gave us a $400 cash deposit. I looked at the vet. She looked at me. We shrugged, took the money, and admitted the dog. I wonder what was in that bag?


This one time, I was anesthetizing a cat with the doctor. We had the cat in an anesthesia chamber - which, for those of you who do not know, is a sealed plastic chamber with holes in it where you plug in the oxygen and anesthetic gas tubes. We were both standing there with our hands on top of the chamber, watching the cat inside. Suddenly, just as we thought the cat was about ready to be intubated and we were getting ready to take it out, the seemingly flaccid cat JUMPED out of the chamber, pushing the lid up and our arms out of the way. It ran *fastaslightning* into the back closet. I ran into the closet and attempted to grab the cat, which was now bizarrely jumping a good six feet into the air and then landing on the floor. I caught it at the height of its next leap, but then, as the vet came to take it from me, the cat somehow got out of my grasp and started to fall to the floor. I reached down, and the cat grabbed onto my arm, with its *TEETH*! So there I was, my arms outstretched in cat-catching position, with a 12 pound abyssinian just hanging from my left forearm by its teeth. BOY did that hurt. They had to give it a shot of ketamine to get it to let go, too.


*ring ring* Receptionist: VHUP emergency, what can I do for you?
Caller: [excited] yes, please, help! our dog, our dog!
Receptionist: yes, sir, your dog what?
Caller: our dog! it ate a tube of contraceptive jelly, and we don't know what to do!!
Receptionist: ok, sir, I think -
Caller: [interrupting] Oh, wait, nevermind! It's fine, she found another tube!!

like, woof, woof, man

Ok, so this isn't a real story per se, but it is amusing and I didn't have anywhere else to put it. In toxicology class the other day, my classmates and I were advised that in general, cannabis sativa doesn't cause any serious toxicity when it is ingested by dogs, and that the suggested treatment would be to leave the dog alone, in a dark, quiet place, with frequent observation. The best place to put the dog, the instructor said, is in a dark room with black lights and Jimi Hendrix music playing softly.

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